Today

Today my car is broken down, its completley un-drivable. Today I want to be stressed out, I want to worry about the money, the future, and what ill have to do tomorrow. Today I am trying to figure out Gods plan for me and trying to think that I may have screwed it up. Today I was down in the dumps. Today I was afraid. Today I was anxious. Today I felt like I would be consumed by negativity, but today God has my life in His hands. Today I’m living a life in which I have been completley delivered from my depression, today I am free from the very grips of death, today I am free from the mind that wanted me dead, today I am free, today I am alive, today I shout this battle cry at the top of my lungs. I have no worries I cast it all on Him, my Lord on high. Yahweh, my own personal savior is waking with me today. So in conclusion today, it is well with my soul.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord , “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
1 Peter 5:7 NIV

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6:34 NIV

Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life ?
Matthew 6:27 NIV

Some Thoughts and A Poem

I prequisite My newest, poem which I believe to be one of my greatest yet with some of my thoughts. To start I will say that I give all glory to God for the beauty that has ensued in my life as of late and I will proudly spread the message of my God. I will fearlessly stand for what I believe in and know to be true by my experiances.

My depression has been a great oppresion on my life for years now and had plagued my mind in a way that I feared my own self. At my worst if you had asked me what my greatest fear was, I would have answered that I was afraid to one day lose the fight and take my own life, I was deeply afraid to lose sight of what I had left holding me to this life. What I had was my family, friends, my writing, and most importantly God. God can be seen even through the other things that kept me holding on, but one of the things that most truly kept me going was the writing which He had blessed me with. Had I not been able to purge the very cries of my anguished soul onto countless pages I truly would have festered in my own sorrow until I was lost. My writing was my salvation and still is, this salvation does though come by the hand of God.

Now to the purpose behind my newest poem, I in my darker times had come up with how I viewed my depression. The way I viewed my depression was a small boy locked in a small cage inside my head always crying with a lurking beast outside ready to devour him whole. I believe I saw this boy as me in those times, back then I could see no escape. My new poem is about that boys journey, and the deliverance he and I both have found.

“A Boy, A Beast, and A Man”

There was a little boy inside my mind trapped inside a cage, outside was a gnawing beast roaring with great rage!
The boy would cry more and more with each day that passed, never to grow up, never to see what life had in store.
The boy was plaugued by this beast with its gnashing claws, he would reach out for help but nothing he reached for would reach back; it all felt relentless, a never ending attack.
The boy was so lost he would have reached for anything that walked by, but the voice that would save him was drowned out by the beast’s horrid cry.
The boy was all but dead until he finally took control, friends and family worked to make his saviors voice louder than that of the beast’s they shouted and shouted for the boy’s release.
The boy finally stood up with the tears fading from his eyes and took hold of the door, it was never locked… and suddenly the cage dissapeared.
The monster before him that had looked like Hell it’s self was whimpering beneath his feet with the saviors voice finally loud and clear.
This day a battle was waged and in a swift strike it was done, he heard that voice say don’t worry they can’t hurt you, YOU are MY son.
From this day forth the boy grew into his own following his savior closely, his savior like a river constatly molding and strengthening a stone.
Now this man is not a boy, he now stands firm, the battlefield is empty of enemies but he is surrounded by great soldiers, the angels his savior sent him he finally feels no fear.
This man is free now, freer than he ever thought he could be, so he roams the battlefields searching for those in a cage, he shouts to them with great passion always making sure to be louder than the beasts rage.

To See The Sound Of A Soul

Return to me now, oh my dear sweet light, let my soul be set ablaze again, return to me my sight.
   I see once more, like I never have before, the whole world has opened up,  and I am excited to see what’s in store.
   I have found this light, that I once had lost,  now that it has returned I’m trying desperately to find the right words,  but alas, I am at a loss.
   The multitude of emotions I feel welling inside of me like a spring or a geyser ready to burst, I don’t feel like I can capture it, so my soul it thirsts.
   My soul thirsts for true expression, to let every cry of my heart run rampant upon this page, I am an performer, and these letters are my stage.
   So I will watch each movement carefully articulating each line, for I want to get my point across  because I know it must be something divine.
   I am completely lost, but somehow I feel that I am finally found, I do not know what to write so I close my eyes and listen for a sound.
   The sound I’m looking for? Its the sound of inspiration,  the sound of first love, the sound of faith, the sound of sorrow,  the sound of elation.
   All these sounds how can I hear them all, the colors they paint on this page, each are diffrent then the last, but still I can feel each one as though they still hold fast.
   My heart seems equivalent to the waves, I’m sure I can hear it crashing against the shore, it moves unpredictably, but still I want to hear more.
   Any moment I feel that I could drown in my own sorrows, but when I rise above the waves… I see the sunrise on the water and I know that I need to stay.
   This passion I feel, I will express it soon enough, but for now this will have to do, though it may sound rough.
   I have found my light and I hear my sound, and though I may get lost in the waves, I will stand my ground.

Eyes That Ignite

Give flight to my soul, this beauty that I have known.
   You’re lost to me I know for you are far in my past, still your eyes call to me igniting a fire that lasts.
   You’re more than I could deserve so I dare not even attempt, you’re everything I could desire, my heart is spent.
   This angel’s grace that I see surround you astounds me in it’s depths, the words you speak, the song you sing, it is such a sweet sound to seek.
   Such beauty in  a woman with deep spiritual strength, I long for such a person to hold but still It cannot be so.
   Ill admire you from a far for I know to have you is not my place, so I’ll be thankful just to have known you, just to have seen your face.

My Foolish Heart

I can feel my foolish heart returning to normal. Now, for the first time in a long time, I write. I write not with force or simple desire but because it is the longing of my soul to do so. Now as I ease myself off of my depression medication I am reminded of all the emotions I once felt so strongly. I am returning to who I truly am. Though, I am thankful that my medication aided me in a time where I no longer could stand the perils of my own mind as it fought to destroy its very vessle. Now I can look at myself once more and feel again. I truly see the world in a new light once more. My foolish heart is free from the chains that have bound it. I look back in thanks that I was saved from my own self, but also in sorrow that I lost myself along the way. I strive to go forward now, to listen, and take on every cry that my heart will shout out. Today is the day, I am free and finally I am well. I praise God for it all. My future is bright with the light of a soul that is truly on fire.

Drained of Color

Lately I’ve found myself in a rut that I’m unsure how to get out of. I’ve been getting caught up with all the trivialities of life. I have been focusing on anything and everything but my writing. I find it hard right now to find inspiration, everything just seems so bland. My soul cries out tonight for a change of pace. I hope to see the colors of this grey sky change soon.

Racism, Hatred, and My Thoughts On It All

RACIST PEOPLE ARENT RACIST BECAUSE TRUMP WAS ELECTED, RACIST PEOPLE ARE RACIST BECAUSE THEY SUCK. We live in an increasingly digital and film everything oriented age so yes there are allot of stories of terrible racism and rudeness being shown in video and in posts. I urge you to understand that for most cases people have just always been that way and would react in these terrible ways no matter what president we had. Even if Trump does have his issues it’s getting really annoying seeing his presidency be blamed for EVERYTHING! Also note that in most of these cases its 1 or 2 looneys with other people on the side backing up the person under attack. You can always see how flustered and confused they get when other “white folk” stand up for the people they wrongfully attack. Now, my statement isn’t pefect but there is a happy median to be found Im sure there are cases where Trump has “inspired” hate in others, but I dare to state that that is due to these peoples ignorance, blindness, natrual evil, and all of the fake news we face. There are people both liberal and “conservative” that believe crazy stupid things. Unfortunately the way the world works is there are more bad natured people then there are good sometimes. So, I urge you my friends be a light calm the negativity and be the solution. Shine into someomes life today and do something about what worries you, don’t just complain, though I will say Ive been guilty of doing just that. My advice is easier said than done, but anyways those are my thoughts.

The Light Through The Rain

   The rain falls today upon my empty heart, it wells up with water bursting at the seams, I wonder if this pain is real… or has it all just been a dream?
   I’m lost in this world that I’m told is reality, where am I to go next to escape this triviality?
   I don’t know where I am nor where I’m going, I’ve no idea who I even am but still I see a light that is glowing.
   This light… the hope of love in a world so full of loss, I see it in the distance, I face the final boss.
   I fight myself…my own mind, this time I shall win, this time my own light will shine.

Loves New Song

O God, I cry out to thee give me love. My Father fill the holes deep inside of me. I cry to you in anguish and pain. Heal my broken heart o Lord. I am lost and I feel like I’m sitting still. Every way I turn I see no way out. My soul withers o God. I cry tears of pure brokenness. I know your plan is good and I need to focus on you, but my heart screams for purpose. I am in agony my Lord for the overwhelming loneliness that surrounds me like a dark cloud. I forsake you my God, I have turned against you to sin time and time again. I do not deserve this grace I’ve been given but I am given it still. When I was still sinning Christ died for me. I have been given a love so beautiful, pure, and unmatched that my earthly mind cannot even fathom what it truly means. Yahweh you have saved me more times than I can count and now my father I ask again please save me from my own bleeding heart. Fill me with your joy, wisdom, love, and strength that I might know what it feels like to be whole. I know full well my God that you are all I need, but my heart has desires that I pray for you to fulfill. Do not forsake me now o God your faithful one chases after your heart. Let me be like David and pray this to you now, save me o save me from my own broken self.