I often lose sleep do to the sole thought that I walk this earth alone. I have God, I have family, and I have dear friends. Despite all that I do have, my soul still longs for love, one that shatters my perception of reality and pushes me into a new joyous world I never knew existed. I long for true love, I wish for it to flow through my veins and strengthen my very bones, I have a rib lost to me somewhere sitting inside the woman to whom I owe all of my affection. I can’t seem to figure it out, so I stay awake thinking surely surely if i were to sleep now the answer would be there, I must stay awake for one more moment. I’m gambling on a lost cause, and I constantly check my phone because in the time I live in the answers are always there, If I can’t Google it, YouTube it, Instagram it, or Facebook it, it shouldn’t matter right? I feel lost without this love that I seek one day I will find it or it will find me, for now I let my Passionate fury die and I will try once more to sleep.
I’ve come to stand in a whole new state of mind; inspiration cannot pass while a heart still yearns so if nothing else I have learned.
I have learned that I can not diminish the joy that you bring nor can I rid myself of the way my soul wants after yours; you have shaken me down to my very core.
I am the core of the earth, and you are the shifting plates at my mantel as I can’t stay still I remember how It must be handled.
To calm my very being I must poetically purge myself of these tremendous trimmers then my earth shall sit the plate’s thrust will grow dimmer.
I ponder such placement that my soul would grasp at yours though denial may sting determination cannot die; I told myself id get over it that was a lie.
I can not settle in more ways then one no person fits my standard that I’ve seen under this setting sun.
However as I first looked at you it seemed that somehow I truly knew.
So perhaps the quakes that make the ground quiver are just God shaking me grabbing a hold of my rib and shouting give it to her!
I’m a blunt person, I generally believe in absolute honesty and feel that i have nothing worth hiding. We are all humans, we all have our problems and flaws. No matter what we face as people each day there is nothing new under the sun, I feel that there’s no point in me keeping quiet of something I struggle with because if I do then how will i ever receive an opportunity to help others in the same boat. Now that my introductory rambling on is finished with I can arrive at the true topic of discussion, my deepest fear. A few weeks or so back a friend asked me what my deepest fear was, as to others who have asked before I answered in the same manor, bluntly and honestly, my deepest fear is that one day my depression will win and I will simply end my own life. Do not, however take this statement the wrong way I am not nor have I ever been truly suicidal. I do have a fear though that my depression is stronger that what it lets off and that one day it will give it all it has to take me. Fears are often irrational and I don’t believe this one is an exception, I don’t believe I would ever reach that point nor do I believe that even at my darkest times I would be able to ignore the presence of God in my life or the consequences that my following actions could have on my eternity. My fear is irrational and ironically keeps me strong for my fear does not always exist but instead only exists when I am lost within the dark confines of my own mind. My fear of losing to my depression only appears when a battle arises, and when that fear arises I fight even harder. Death will not take my body until the Lord calls me Himself to everlasting life. It may be hard and at time feel lonely and hopeless but I have work to do and it starts by defeating my deepest fear every time it shows its face. There is hope and there is light that will always exist, Jesus Christ will guide my sword.
I need to write like i need to breathe, it is oxygen to my lungs when my depression acts as the deep vacuum of space. My writing whether it be poetry or my thoughts on matters of life makes sense to me things about myself i didn’t even understand before. My poetry often allots me the words to describe that which I did not know how to explain. The emotions of turmoil, joy, helplessness, and pure happiness all of these things fight with each other to be the subject of my thoughts. Often times in my poems one can even see the battle as it is waged when my poem starts depressing and leads to joy in the end. I firmly believe every tunnel has light at the end my writing is a way of forcing myself to the end of that tunnel. When one feels depression its strange, it grips a hold of you and wraps you up nice and warm, depression as I’ve stated before always feels familiar. The reason I bring up the familiarity of depression is this, when one gets comfortable with depression it looks less threatening, its tempting to let it hold you in it’s chilling grasp, to let it lead you into the deepest pits of despair. My writing forces a knife down on the wire that ties me to sadness and reminds me immediately of Gods love for me. My way of escaping the pain is to write but there are many other ways, find whatever allows you to hear the voice of God, whatever your blessed with, whatever you’re talented at, that is where you will find your reprieve. The darkness cannot consume you if you radiate with light, so stay passionate my friends, and let the Holy Spirit flow through you like blood through your veins, depression is a war that can be won.
I find these old memories lost in the shadows of my mind, I didn’t think they’d be back, but now I’m under attack.
Nostalgia and déjà vu, all at once when i see a picture of you.
What am I to do with this information that I’ve found, that my heart still seeks you, and your voice…I am deafened by the sound.
I know not what to do with these emotions with which I’ve been struck, I can not move, I am simply stuck.
Every word i read, every picture i see, all I feel are painful memories.
I speak not of a girl or even of a friend, but simply the past which seems better than this present tense.
That’s the thing about the past, you get to pick and choose what you see but much of it was costly, not all joyful and free.
I long for the past for it held simpler times, chasing a brown eyed girl and writing simpler rhymes.
I’ve reached a point that I just long for something more, something beyond my depression, something to make my soul soar.
I look to the past, present, and future for the one thing that remained constant, Yahweh, my God I worship your presence.
So, now I look not to the past, but instead to the present for each step I take will not be woefully spent.
Nostalgia is lovely, but not to be taken fully to heart the memories I’ve made are in the past, and each day is a new start.
I often look into peoples eyes and see more than what i feel others see. Each eye holds its own glimmer and shine, and each in its own spot. The eyes color, light, and movement along with the things we feel tell stories that most don’t know how to read. Within eyes one can see honesty, lies, joy, sadness, pain, faith, and much more. I believe there are small worlds held within our eyes filling each particle of color up with our thoughts and emotions. It’s truly amazing how we as people can fall for certain eyes my poison of course is brown eyes. Every time I look into a pair of brown eyes i could swear their entire soul is on display. The worlds I see within them are like a fantasy world to me, I’d do anything to make my way in and stay. Often times people with brown eyes don’t even like their own eyes and it breaks my heart because I find them so wonderful. The mountain of poems that have been inspired by brown eyed girls just shows how dearly my soul will reach out for them. It seems like such a small quality the color of one’s eyes and admittedly in a way it is. There is no guarantee that the woman I marry will have brown eyes because while I fall for a color what I truly fall for is the soul inside. We should all pay more attention to the individual little flickers of emotion within each-others eyes. The beauty that I’ve discovered by consistently gazing into others eyes has filled my soul. While this world will fill your eyes with darkness, sorrow, and tears, one can always see that one little glimmer in the corner of the eye reminding us all that our soul is alive and will remain unbroken by the terrors of this world. The glimmer for me and that of many others is a flame that will never die out, i hold fast to the joy of Christ and His love will forever guide my eyes.