Racism, Hatred, and My Thoughts On It All

RACIST PEOPLE ARENT RACIST BECAUSE TRUMP WAS ELECTED, RACIST PEOPLE ARE RACIST BECAUSE THEY SUCK. We live in an increasingly digital and film everything oriented age so yes there are allot of stories of terrible racism and rudeness being shown in video and in posts. I urge you to understand that for most cases people have just always been that way and would react in these terrible ways no matter what president we had. Even if Trump does have his issues it’s getting really annoying seeing his presidency be blamed for EVERYTHING! Also note that in most of these cases its 1 or 2 looneys with other people on the side backing up the person under attack. You can always see how flustered and confused they get when other “white folk” stand up for the people they wrongfully attack. Now, my statement isn’t pefect but there is a happy median to be found Im sure there are cases where Trump has “inspired” hate in others, but I dare to state that that is due to these peoples ignorance, blindness, natrual evil, and all of the fake news we face. There are people both liberal and “conservative” that believe crazy stupid things. Unfortunately the way the world works is there are more bad natured people then there are good sometimes. So, I urge you my friends be a light calm the negativity and be the solution. Shine into someomes life today and do something about what worries you, don’t just complain, though I will say Ive been guilty of doing just that. My advice is easier said than done, but anyways those are my thoughts.

The Light Through The Rain

   The rain falls today upon my empty heart, it wells up with water bursting at the seams, I wonder if this pain is real… or has it all just been a dream?
   I’m lost in this world that I’m told is reality, where am I to go next to escape this triviality?
   I don’t know where I am nor where I’m going, I’ve no idea who I even am but still I see a light that is glowing.
   This light… the hope of love in a world so full of loss, I see it in the distance, I face the final boss.
   I fight myself…my own mind, this time I shall win, this time my own light will shine.

Loves New Song

O God, I cry out to thee give me love. My Father fill the holes deep inside of me. I cry to you in anguish and pain. Heal my broken heart o Lord. I am lost and I feel like I’m sitting still. Every way I turn I see no way out. My soul withers o God. I cry tears of pure brokenness. I know your plan is good and I need to focus on you, but my heart screams for purpose. I am in agony my Lord for the overwhelming loneliness that surrounds me like a dark cloud. I forsake you my God, I have turned against you to sin time and time again. I do not deserve this grace I’ve been given but I am given it still. When I was still sinning Christ died for me. I have been given a love so beautiful, pure, and unmatched that my earthly mind cannot even fathom what it truly means. Yahweh you have saved me more times than I can count and now my father I ask again please save me from my own bleeding heart. Fill me with your joy, wisdom, love, and strength that I might know what it feels like to be whole. I know full well my God that you are all I need, but my heart has desires that I pray for you to fulfill. Do not forsake me now o God your faithful one chases after your heart. Let me be like David and pray this to you now, save me o save me from my own broken self.

Joy

Joy, I feel it course through me as the Holy Spirit wages war for my happiness… for my very soul. Joy is not what most people understand it to be. Joy is the last soldier on a battlefield standing against an army with no chance of survival except by the hand of God. Joy is the hope of God, the comfort that our Savior will hold us steady no matter what storm we face. Every day I face the same battles waged in my mind. I often feel like I can’t break free from my own despair. The beautiful thing about joy that most do not understand is that it is separate from happiness. Joy stays with us even when the tears flow and depression is ripping into our very souls. Joy is trusting in God, in His almighty power. Joy is everything to me, because without it I’d already be dead.

Joy is the hand that holds on as the rest of your being reaches for the release of death. Joy is what has given me a chance and allowed me to continue to fight. I have such a passion for joy because even now I am deeply saddened by state this world is in. Still, I have a hope and I trust that God will restore light to this broken world. Sometimes I don’t feel like I want to be but I am supposed to be that light. I often cannot help but flicker and sometimes in doing so I hurt others with my flame. It’s difficult and I’ts shameful when you realize you’ve hurt someone else. The reason I need God and joy is so that I can live to see another day and know that God will continue to use me despite my mistakes. I am nothing without God and so He fills me with joy. Though the battles I face are tough and I often grow too tired to face them anymore, I am lucky to have a God who restores me and stands by my side.I may lose myself but God will never forget who I am. My God keeps me and restores me all by the hand of joy.

Even There

There is no distance you can go that God will not follow, no place you can be that He will not be as well. Every mistake we make every unforgivable screw up we commit God forgives us still and He works those things for good. God pursues us and loves us endlessly. While we were STILL sinners Christ died for us. There is no place that my God can not reach. His glorious name is enough to calm my every storm. Even in my darkest places, when death had its grip around my neck God was there and He fought for my life. God’s plan for me is beyond my own merrit I am nothing and that is exactly why my God uses me. No matter where I find myself even there my God will be.

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
Psalm 139:7‭-‬12 NIV

A Girl and Her Storm

Her smile shined in a darkness that she herself had borne, she walked it around like a dark cloud before a heavy storm.
  The storm came with her tears when that lovely smile was no more, but after storms come rainbows and brighter skies; the rainbow was in her eyes.
  Her eyes changed like the seasons, her emotions deciding the fate of their colors, you could see her soul in those eyes, an ever changing beauty like no other.
  She is still learning to tame this storm, but the more she learns the feircer she becomes, a force to be reckoned with… her gaze would leave any man stunned.
  I can’t say all that she is for I’m still learning moment by moment each one I find better than the last, I don’t even seem to mind it going nowhere fast.
  Such a light within such darkness I am glad just to have as a friend, I will value her deeply until the very end.
  I believe this girl will become a storm herself, growing mightier than the ones she has faced, she will fight fire with fire as she learns the Lords embrace.
  She is destined for many great things, of that I am certainly sure, the beautiful thing to realize is that her growth will have come from this storm.

Vulnerability

It’s hard for most to leave themselves vulnerable, to let their weakness be known. For me however, it is much harder for me to build up a wall. I wish deeply to trust others, to help them in their struggles. I certainly can’t help others if I myself pretend to be fine, how then can I expect others to be honest with me? I’ve often been weakened by the attacks waged by my own mind, and I’ve had to seek help in dealing with that. My truest help comes from God, but I owe allot to the friends who have stood by my side and my family who has constantly lifted me back up. I have not truly fallen yet, I will not do so today, and I certainly will not fall to my sorrows in the future. I don’t mean to say that I will never cry or that I will never need help, what I am saying is that I will make it through, and my testimony will be all the better for it. For all these reasons I say fine, know that I cry, know that I am willing as a grown man to let my mother hold me when I’m to weak on my own, know that I have flaws, but also know this, in my weakness my God is strong. Nothing will have a hold on me for my life already belongs to God. I have found a consistent joyous reminder in my life that no matter what I face I can always trust in my God. Alone I am nothing, with God I am the downfall of the entire kingdom of hell. I claim my life for God today and every day, let life breathe into these dry bones and let my vulnerability be my Gods strength.

The Flood I Feed

   Let the sadness sink in once more, let it all come flooding back, what a weak man I must be to fall over and over to the same attack.
   These are the things I say to myself I’m worthless, hideous, an iredimiable screw up at best; yet even still I do not let it wear on my soul, it’s nothing but another test.
   I am loved and I am free, made. beautiful in that secret place, my God keeps me and in Him alone I am truly safe.
   Let love flow once again, let the joy come flooding back, no sorrow or darkness can stand to the will of my God, that is how i survive and stand tall after each attack.

Last Night

Last night I crawled in bed with my mom and cried into her arms. Yes, you heard correctly, a 20 year old man crawled in bed with his mother and cried because he was afraid. Understand me however that these were not your every day fears, no these were not the nightmares I had as a child, these fears are all too real. Last night I was afraid of my own mind, that it would take my life, I was afraid that I was all alone, that I was empty inside,  that I would never amount to anything, that nobody could love me, care for me, I was afraid that I would never see happiness again. The fear I faced last night, the thing that made me cry, I could see my demons clawing at my soul wanting me to die, but those demons are not and never will be in control. Yes, a 20 year old man needed his mommy to protect him, because he could not protect himself. This grown man needed to be reminded that God held his life in His hands, that people cared, that people loved him, he needed to know why he was alive. The love of a mother, so pure, so wonderful a thing that God gave us. Last night I needed my mother and she was there. No matter the age I’m always her baby and somehow that’s comfort enough to know I should be alive. Last night my mother was an angel that held me in her arms, if that’s not God answering my prayer that I matter and am loved then I don’t know what is. I asked for something, and He could see in my heart it needed to be something I could physically feel and see this time. God answered my prayer 20 years before I prayed it by giving me my mom. Last night, I was a baby, and that’s ok, I wasn’t a baby because I cried, I was a baby because to my mom that’s what I am, I am her baby, and I think knowing that is one of the most precious gifts I could ever recieve. So when you’re in a dark place, whether you are 12, 20, 34, or whatever age you may be, find yourself someone like my mom, someone who never fails to remind you that they care, and that they love you with all their heart.

So, heres to all the moms, dads, grandparents, siblings, friends, and whoever else is always there when someone they love is in need. Most importantly here is to my mom, truly the most precious woman in my life, without her I am nothing, without her I’d probobly already be dead, but with her I can take on the world.

Never be afraid to let everything go, and crawl in bed with your mom, sometimes it is exactly what you need, thank you mom, I love you.