Some Thoughts and A Poem

I prequisite My newest, poem which I believe to be one of my greatest yet with some of my thoughts. To start I will say that I give all glory to God for the beauty that has ensued in my life as of late and I will proudly spread the message of my God. I will fearlessly stand for what I believe in and know to be true by my experiances.

My depression has been a great oppresion on my life for years now and had plagued my mind in a way that I feared my own self. At my worst if you had asked me what my greatest fear was, I would have answered that I was afraid to one day lose the fight and take my own life, I was deeply afraid to lose sight of what I had left holding me to this life. What I had was my family, friends, my writing, and most importantly God. God can be seen even through the other things that kept me holding on, but one of the things that most truly kept me going was the writing which He had blessed me with. Had I not been able to purge the very cries of my anguished soul onto countless pages I truly would have festered in my own sorrow until I was lost. My writing was my salvation and still is, this salvation does though come by the hand of God.

Now to the purpose behind my newest poem, I in my darker times had come up with how I viewed my depression. The way I viewed my depression was a small boy locked in a small cage inside my head always crying with a lurking beast outside ready to devour him whole. I believe I saw this boy as me in those times, back then I could see no escape. My new poem is about that boys journey, and the deliverance he and I both have found.

“A Boy, A Beast, and A Man”

There was a little boy inside my mind trapped inside a cage, outside was a gnawing beast roaring with great rage!
The boy would cry more and more with each day that passed, never to grow up, never to see what life had in store.
The boy was plaugued by this beast with its gnashing claws, he would reach out for help but nothing he reached for would reach back; it all felt relentless, a never ending attack.
The boy was so lost he would have reached for anything that walked by, but the voice that would save him was drowned out by the beast’s horrid cry.
The boy was all but dead until he finally took control, friends and family worked to make his saviors voice louder than that of the beast’s they shouted and shouted for the boy’s release.
The boy finally stood up with the tears fading from his eyes and took hold of the door, it was never locked… and suddenly the cage dissapeared.
The monster before him that had looked like Hell it’s self was whimpering beneath his feet with the saviors voice finally loud and clear.
This day a battle was waged and in a swift strike it was done, he heard that voice say don’t worry they can’t hurt you, YOU are MY son.
From this day forth the boy grew into his own following his savior closely, his savior like a river constatly molding and strengthening a stone.
Now this man is not a boy, he now stands firm, the battlefield is empty of enemies but he is surrounded by great soldiers, the angels his savior sent him he finally feels no fear.
This man is free now, freer than he ever thought he could be, so he roams the battlefields searching for those in a cage, he shouts to them with great passion always making sure to be louder than the beasts rage.

To See The Sound Of A Soul

Return to me now, oh my dear sweet light, let my soul be set ablaze again, return to me my sight.
   I see once more, like I never have before, the whole world has opened up,  and I am excited to see what’s in store.
   I have found this light, that I once had lost,  now that it has returned I’m trying desperately to find the right words,  but alas, I am at a loss.
   The multitude of emotions I feel welling inside of me like a spring or a geyser ready to burst, I don’t feel like I can capture it, so my soul it thirsts.
   My soul thirsts for true expression, to let every cry of my heart run rampant upon this page, I am an performer, and these letters are my stage.
   So I will watch each movement carefully articulating each line, for I want to get my point across  because I know it must be something divine.
   I am completely lost, but somehow I feel that I am finally found, I do not know what to write so I close my eyes and listen for a sound.
   The sound I’m looking for? Its the sound of inspiration,  the sound of first love, the sound of faith, the sound of sorrow,  the sound of elation.
   All these sounds how can I hear them all, the colors they paint on this page, each are diffrent then the last, but still I can feel each one as though they still hold fast.
   My heart seems equivalent to the waves, I’m sure I can hear it crashing against the shore, it moves unpredictably, but still I want to hear more.
   Any moment I feel that I could drown in my own sorrows, but when I rise above the waves… I see the sunrise on the water and I know that I need to stay.
   This passion I feel, I will express it soon enough, but for now this will have to do, though it may sound rough.
   I have found my light and I hear my sound, and though I may get lost in the waves, I will stand my ground.

Eyes That Ignite

Give flight to my soul, this beauty that I have known.
   You’re lost to me I know for you are far in my past, still your eyes call to me igniting a fire that lasts.
   You’re more than I could deserve so I dare not even attempt, you’re everything I could desire, my heart is spent.
   This angel’s grace that I see surround you astounds me in it’s depths, the words you speak, the song you sing, it is such a sweet sound to seek.
   Such beauty in  a woman with deep spiritual strength, I long for such a person to hold but still It cannot be so.
   Ill admire you from a far for I know to have you is not my place, so I’ll be thankful just to have known you, just to have seen your face.

The Light Through The Rain

   The rain falls today upon my empty heart, it wells up with water bursting at the seams, I wonder if this pain is real… or has it all just been a dream?
   I’m lost in this world that I’m told is reality, where am I to go next to escape this triviality?
   I don’t know where I am nor where I’m going, I’ve no idea who I even am but still I see a light that is glowing.
   This light… the hope of love in a world so full of loss, I see it in the distance, I face the final boss.
   I fight myself…my own mind, this time I shall win, this time my own light will shine.

A Girl and Her Storm

Her smile shined in a darkness that she herself had borne, she walked it around like a dark cloud before a heavy storm.
  The storm came with her tears when that lovely smile was no more, but after storms come rainbows and brighter skies; the rainbow was in her eyes.
  Her eyes changed like the seasons, her emotions deciding the fate of their colors, you could see her soul in those eyes, an ever changing beauty like no other.
  She is still learning to tame this storm, but the more she learns the feircer she becomes, a force to be reckoned with… her gaze would leave any man stunned.
  I can’t say all that she is for I’m still learning moment by moment each one I find better than the last, I don’t even seem to mind it going nowhere fast.
  Such a light within such darkness I am glad just to have as a friend, I will value her deeply until the very end.
  I believe this girl will become a storm herself, growing mightier than the ones she has faced, she will fight fire with fire as she learns the Lords embrace.
  She is destined for many great things, of that I am certainly sure, the beautiful thing to realize is that her growth will have come from this storm.

The Flood I Feed

   Let the sadness sink in once more, let it all come flooding back, what a weak man I must be to fall over and over to the same attack.
   These are the things I say to myself I’m worthless, hideous, an iredimiable screw up at best; yet even still I do not let it wear on my soul, it’s nothing but another test.
   I am loved and I am free, made. beautiful in that secret place, my God keeps me and in Him alone I am truly safe.
   Let love flow once again, let the joy come flooding back, no sorrow or darkness can stand to the will of my God, that is how i survive and stand tall after each attack.

I Am More

I am free from such misconceptions of those I held in the past, I see the break of day beyond my terrifying night; I finally can see exactly what is right.

My beliefs were held in question when I chose to let my passion dwindle I felt someone or something was more important but that was my brain being swindled.

I lost my self in the colors I saw and forgot who i was, I forgot my own cause.

Whether others say that I am right or wrong my soul feels contempt and sings a new sweet song.

This song is sweeter than any that I have spoken of in the past because I have passed foolishness into wisdom and this is wisdom that shall last.

I am made new once again and I’m sure it will come at least a few more Times I am defined by more than some girl, more than a chemical imbalance, and even more than these Rhymes.

May The Earth Bare it’s Bones

I’ve come to stand in a whole new state of mind; inspiration cannot pass while a heart still yearns so if nothing else I have learned.

I have learned that I can not diminish the joy that you bring nor can I rid myself of the way my soul wants after yours; you have shaken me down to my very core.

I am the core of the earth, and you are the shifting plates at my mantel as I can’t stay still I remember how It must be handled.

To calm my very being I must poetically purge myself of these tremendous trimmers then my earth shall sit the plate’s thrust will grow dimmer.

I ponder such placement that my soul would grasp at yours though denial may sting determination cannot die; I told myself id get over it that was a lie.

I can not settle in more ways then one no person fits my standard that I’ve seen under this setting sun.

However as I first looked at you it seemed that somehow I truly knew.

So perhaps the quakes that make the ground quiver are just God shaking me grabbing a hold of my rib and shouting give it to her!

Even the Past Must Move On

I find these old memories lost in the shadows of my mind, I didn’t think they’d be back, but now I’m under attack.

Nostalgia and dejavu all at once when i see a picture of you.

What am I to do with this information that I’ve found, that my heart still seeks you, and your voice…I am deafened by the sound.

I know not what to do with these emotions with which I’ve been struck, I can not move, I am simply stuck.

Every word i read,  every picture i see, all I feel are painful memories.

I speak not of a girl or even of a friend,  but simply the past which seems better than this present tense.

That’s the thing about the past,  you get to pick and choose what you see but much of it was costly,  not all joyful and free.

I long for the past for it held simpler times, chasing a brown eyed girl and writing simpler rhymes.

I’ve reached a point that I just long for something more, something beyond my depression, something to make my soul soar.

I look to the past, present, and future for the one thing that remained constant, Yahweh, my God I worship your presence.

So, now I look not to the past, but instead to the present for each step I take will not be woefully spent.

Nostalgia is lovely, but not to be taken fully to heart the memories I’ve made are in the past,  and each day is a new start.

Addiction’s True Face

   Addiction is a thief that creeps in the night,  it steals your soul and instills you with fright.
   Addiction is a war that never will end every single battle you start the fight again.
   Addiction steals your children, addiction steals your life, no matter the adiction it controls you… it’s leash is on tight.
   Addiction will not let go no matter what you do addiction holds on forever not just a day or two.
   So, i advise you my friends please never give in to anything addictive or it may just grab you until the end.
   I have lost my battle one hundred times over but the war still wages on, a war that with the right weapons actually can be won.
   Addiction may grip your throat and refuse to let go but I tell you I serve a God who’s sword will slice through that demons control.
    Addiction will not have me,  no not today, the fight may come back tomorrow but I will try to stay strong; I will keep on fighting though the war may be long.
   Nobody wishes to talk of addictions pains and how it clings, for everyone has felt addictions fatal sting.
   I remind you still that there certainly is hope, scripture will guide you, and prayer will help you cope.