Ramblings About Love

My heart used to flutter at every romantic song and movie. With each heartfelt line of love I would be filled with hope for my own future. What pains has this world put me through though that now those child like eyes have stopped seeing hope and only see romance as something that is likely to just end in great pain? I have learned through trial and error that proper happiness is hard to find within another. It becomes hard to convince one’s self that love is worth fighting for when most of one’s fights have been with love.

I have fought against love until I was blue in the face. I have written poem after poem, but still to no avail; I did not understand love.

Love is the very force that makes one’s heart desire to keep beating but yet the same force causes one’s heart to want to stop and never beat again. Love is a dangerous destructive force with the strength to take down the world… but still my heart cries out for love.

I in saying all these terrible things about love have to stop to explain that I speak only of human love. Love can be so undeniably pure, but in the form we so often find it in it only tears apart. Love is meant to build up, to make one whole, to give purpose to an otherwise purposeless life. Love is so boundlessly vital to our existence that we must make sure to understand it the best that we can.

I cannot imagine living the rest of my life without love but yet I cannot fathom going through any more pain. My heart has ached so deeply in the past that I never thought id recover. Now, that I am quite well off I don’t know that I ever really did recover. I have reached a point of fear for love, I wish not to seek it and often wish to avoid it.

Now I reach my point, I believe I have found the purpose behind my pain and tribulations. Had I not acquired such a distaste for this human romantic love, I never would have stopped to realize all the flaws. I never would have looked to God to sustain me, I would have looked to a woman instead. I could be so lost right now, had I not been through such pain and so many mistakes.

Now in my wisdom I have discovered that the only way to find love is to not seek it. True love is a wild fire in the heart caused by a single spark that nobody could expect. The blue prints for love were in front of me the whole time, but I ignored them still. I had to find my own words, my own experiences, and I had to create my own answer.

Sometimes as I have learned humans just don’t have it in them to learn unless through brute force of life teaching them the lesson. The Bible clearly tells me the definition of love in many different ways, plenty enough to make me understand, yet I ignored it and searched on my own.

I have found love, many years ago. I have had love all along in its truest purest form. The love I have from God is beyond reason, unexplainable, unfailing, always forgiving, never giving up on you, never leaving you, I will die for you, and Ill give it all up for you kind of love. God gives us the world without us giving Him a thing he deserves in return.

God’s love refuses to back down and once we embrace that love everything will come to light. We don’t know how to find love and while sometimes it works out the easiest most painless way to find true love is to find love with God, follow Him, and let the rest come naturally. We need not worry, God did not plan for man to be alone, woman was made for our perfect partnership, to bring us joy, companionship, and fulfillment.

So, in conclusion look to God as hard as you can and when someone else shows up staring up at Him with that same admiration, you will know. God hears the cries of your heart and will deliver unto you someone to make you happy for all your days in due time. Trust God and you will surpass the pains of love to find that which God has set out for you. Now take to mind that it still will not be easy, love is a constant project that you must work on with your partner. The challenge will often feel hard but the reward will always be greater. Love is never to be taken lightly, it is one of the greatest gifts this life has to offer, but in order to find it one must be patient and look to God to sustain.

1 Corinthians 13 New International Version (NIV)
1 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Today

Today my car is broken down, its completley un-drivable. Today I want to be stressed out, I want to worry about the money, the future, and what ill have to do tomorrow. Today I am trying to figure out Gods plan for me and trying to think that I may have screwed it up. Today I was down in the dumps. Today I was afraid. Today I was anxious. Today I felt like I would be consumed by negativity, but today God has my life in His hands. Today I’m living a life in which I have been completley delivered from my depression, today I am free from the very grips of death, today I am free from the mind that wanted me dead, today I am free, today I am alive, today I shout this battle cry at the top of my lungs. I have no worries I cast it all on Him, my Lord on high. Yahweh, my own personal savior is waking with me today. So in conclusion today, it is well with my soul.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord , “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
1 Peter 5:7 NIV

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6:34 NIV

Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life ?
Matthew 6:27 NIV

Some Thoughts and A Poem

I prequisite My newest, poem which I believe to be one of my greatest yet with some of my thoughts. To start I will say that I give all glory to God for the beauty that has ensued in my life as of late and I will proudly spread the message of my God. I will fearlessly stand for what I believe in and know to be true by my experiances.

My depression has been a great oppresion on my life for years now and had plagued my mind in a way that I feared my own self. At my worst if you had asked me what my greatest fear was, I would have answered that I was afraid to one day lose the fight and take my own life, I was deeply afraid to lose sight of what I had left holding me to this life. What I had was my family, friends, my writing, and most importantly God. God can be seen even through the other things that kept me holding on, but one of the things that most truly kept me going was the writing which He had blessed me with. Had I not been able to purge the very cries of my anguished soul onto countless pages I truly would have festered in my own sorrow until I was lost. My writing was my salvation and still is, this salvation does though come by the hand of God.

Now to the purpose behind my newest poem, I in my darker times had come up with how I viewed my depression. The way I viewed my depression was a small boy locked in a small cage inside my head always crying with a lurking beast outside ready to devour him whole. I believe I saw this boy as me in those times, back then I could see no escape. My new poem is about that boys journey, and the deliverance he and I both have found.

“A Boy, A Beast, and A Man”

There was a little boy inside my mind trapped inside a cage, outside was a gnawing beast roaring with great rage!

The boy would cry more and more with each day that passed, never to grow up, never to see what life had in store.

The boy was plagued by this beast with its gnashing claws, he would reach out for help but nothing he reached for would reach back; it all felt relentless, a never ending attack.

The boy was so lost he would have reached for anything that walked by, but the voice that would save him was drowned out by the beast’s horrid cry.

The boy was all but dead until he finally took control, friends and family worked to make his saviors voice louder than that of the beast’s they shouted and shouted for the boy’s release.

The boy finally stood up with the tears fading from his eyes and took hold of the door, it was never locked… and suddenly the cage disappeared.

The monster before him that had looked like Hell it’s self was whimpering beneath his feet with the saviors voice finally loud and clear.

This day a battle was waged and in a swift strike it was done, he heard that voice say don’t worry they can’t hurt you, YOU are MY son.

From this day forth the boy grew into his own following his savior closely, his savior like a river constantly molding and strengthening a stone.

Now this man is not a boy, he now stands firm, the battlefield is empty of enemies but he is surrounded by great soldiers, the angels his savior sent him he finally feels no fear.

This man is free now, freer than he ever thought he could be, so he roams the battlefields searching for those in a cage, he shouts to them with great passion always making sure to be louder than the beasts rage.

My Foolish Heart

I can feel my foolish heart returning to normal. Now, for the first time in a long time, I write. I write not with force or simple desire but because it is the longing of my soul to do so. Now as I ease myself off of my depression medication I am reminded of all the emotions I once felt so strongly. I am returning to who I truly am. Though, I am thankful that my medication aided me in a time where I no longer could stand the perils of my own mind as it fought to destroy its very vessle. Now I can look at myself once more and feel again. I truly see the world in a new light once more. My foolish heart is free from the chains that have bound it. I look back in thanks that I was saved from my own self, but also in sorrow that I lost myself along the way. I strive to go forward now, to listen, and take on every cry that my heart will shout out. Today is the day, I am free and finally I am well. I praise God for it all. My future is bright with the light of a soul that is truly on fire.

Drained of Color

Lately I’ve found myself in a rut that I’m unsure how to get out of. I’ve been getting caught up with all the trivialities of life. I have been focusing on anything and everything but my writing. I find it hard right now to find inspiration, everything just seems so bland. My soul cries out tonight for a change of pace. I hope to see the colors of this grey sky change soon.

Loves New Song

O God, I cry out to thee give me love. My Father fill the holes deep inside of me. I cry to you in anguish and pain. Heal my broken heart o Lord. I am lost and I feel like I’m sitting still. Every way I turn I see no way out. My soul withers o God. I cry tears of pure brokenness. I know your plan is good and I need to focus on you, but my heart screams for purpose. I am in agony my Lord for the overwhelming loneliness that surrounds me like a dark cloud. I forsake you my God, I have turned against you to sin time and time again. I do not deserve this grace I’ve been given but I am given it still. When I was still sinning Christ died for me. I have been given a love so beautiful, pure, and unmatched that my earthly mind cannot even fathom what it truly means. Yahweh you have saved me more times than I can count and now my father I ask again please save me from my own bleeding heart. Fill me with your joy, wisdom, love, and strength that I might know what it feels like to be whole. I know full well my God that you are all I need, but my heart has desires that I pray for you to fulfill. Do not forsake me now o God your faithful one chases after your heart. Let me be like David and pray this to you now, save me o save me from my own broken self.

Joy

Joy, I feel it course through me as the Holy Spirit wages war for my happiness… for my very soul. Joy is not what most people understand it to be. Joy is the last soldier on a battlefield standing against an army with no chance of survival except by the hand of God. Joy is the hope of God, the comfort that our Savior will hold us steady no matter what storm we face. Every day I face the same battles waged in my mind. I often feel like I can’t break free from my own despair. The beautiful thing about joy that most do not understand is that it is separate from happiness. Joy stays with us even when the tears flow and depression is ripping into our very souls. Joy is trusting in God, in His almighty power. Joy is everything to me, because without it I’d already be dead.

    Joy is the hand that holds on as the rest of your being reaches for the release of death. Joy is what has given me a chance and allowed me to continue to fight. I have such a passion for joy because even now I am deeply saddened by state this world is in. Still, I have a hope and I trust that God will restore light to this broken world. Sometimes I don’t feel like I want to be but I am supposed to be that light. I often cannot help but flicker and sometimes in doing so I hurt others with my flame. It’s difficult and I’ts shameful when you realize you’ve hurt someone else. The reason I need God and joy is so that I can live to see another day and know that God will continue to use me despite my mistakes. I am nothing without God and so He fills me with joy. Though the battles I face are tough and I often grow too tired to face them anymore, I am lucky to have a God who restores me and stands by my side.I may lose myself but God will never forget who I am. My God keeps me and restores me all by the hand of joy.

Even There

There is no distance you can go that God will not follow, no place you can be that He will not be as well. Every mistake we make every unforgivable screw up we commit God forgives us still and He works those things for good. God pursues us and loves us endlessly. While we were STILL sinners Christ died for us. There is no place that my God can not reach. His glorious name is enough to calm my every storm. Even in my darkest places, when death had its grip around my neck God was there and He fought for my life. God’s plan for me is beyond my own merit I am nothing and that is exactly why my God uses me. No matter where I find myself even there my God will be.

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
Psalm 139:7‭-‬12 NIV

Vulnerability

It’s hard for most to leave themselves vulnerable, to let their weakness be known. For me however, it is much harder for me to build up a wall. I wish deeply to trust others, to help them in their struggles. I certainly can’t help others if I myself pretend to be fine, how then can I expect others to be honest with me? I’ve often been weakened by the attacks waged by my own mind, and I’ve had to seek help in dealing with that. My truest help comes from God, but I owe allot to the friends who have stood by my side and my family who has constantly lifted me back up. I have not truly fallen yet, I will not do so today, and I certainly will not fall to my sorrows in the future. I don’t mean to say that I will never cry or that I will never need help, what I am saying is that I will make it through, and my testimony will be all the better for it. For all these reasons I say fine, know that I cry, know that I am willing as a grown man to let my mother hold me when I’m to weak on my own, know that I have flaws, but also know this, in my weakness my God is strong. Nothing will have a hold on me for my life already belongs to God. I have found a consistent joyous reminder in my life that no matter what I face I can always trust in my God. Alone I am nothing, with God I am the downfall of the entire kingdom of hell. I claim my life for God today and every day, let life breathe into these dry bones and let my vulnerability be my Gods strength.