Last Night

Last night I crawled in bed with my mom and cried into her arms. Yes, you heard correctly, a 20 year old man crawled in bed with his mother and cried because he was afraid. Understand me however that these were not your every day fears, no these were not the nightmares I had as a child, these fears are all too real. Last night I was afraid of my own mind, that it would take my life, I was afraid that I was all alone, that I was empty inside,  that I would never amount to anything, that nobody could love me, care for me, I was afraid that I would never see happiness again. The fear I faced last night, the thing that made me cry, I could see my demons clawing at my soul wanting me to die, but those demons are not and never will be in control. Yes, a 20 year old man needed his mommy to protect him, because he could not protect himself. This grown man needed to be reminded that God held his life in His hands, that people cared, that people loved him, he needed to know why he was alive. The love of a mother, so pure, so wonderful a thing that God gave us. Last night I needed my mother and she was there. No matter the age I’m always her baby and somehow that’s comfort enough to know I should be alive. Last night my mother was an angel that held me in her arms, if that’s not God answering my prayer that I matter and am loved then I don’t know what is. I asked for something, and He could see in my heart it needed to be something I could physically feel and see this time. God answered my prayer 20 years before I prayed it by giving me my mom. Last night, I was a baby, and that’s ok, I wasn’t a baby because I cried, I was a baby because to my mom that’s what I am, I am her baby, and I think knowing that is one of the most precious gifts I could ever recieve. So when you’re in a dark place, whether you are 12, 20, 34, or whatever age you may be, find yourself someone like my mom, someone who never fails to remind you that they care, and that they love you with all their heart.

So, heres to all the moms, dads, grandparents, siblings, friends, and whoever else is always there when someone they love is in need. Most importantly here is to my mom, truly the most precious woman in my life, without her I am nothing, without her I’d probobly already be dead, but with her I can take on the world.

Never be afraid to let everything go, and crawl in bed with your mom, sometimes it is exactly what you need, thank you mom, I love you.


Your words should be careful, but purposefull. Words are like a sword, they can cut someones bondage, or you can end their life. Speak life today, speak words of God rather than your own.

Proverbs 18:21 “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.”

What makes a good friend, what qualities should they have? Courage when fear is the logical expression, loyalty when the world comes against you, love when you can’t even love yourself, and one who will carry you when you are too weak to stand.

What makes a good friend? A good friend is someone who will stand up against you if your ideas are ill advised, who will stop you from hurting yourself even at the cost of friendship itself. A friend is a sister or a brother, whom you hand pick to stay by your side, these people are to be cherished for they would lay down their own life.

A good friend is a 3 am phone call when they have work at 7 because you just can’t find the will to live and you need someone to tell you that you matter. A good friend is the person that forces you to eat 20 chicken nuggets when you haven’t eaten for a week because that girl broke you in half. A good friend is always there, even when they aren’t. They are there in the back of your head, they send you encouraging and funny texts, and they talk to you when they can.

Good friends are often busy, but that doesn’t make them any less of a friend, life is tough, and adulthood is a troubling journey. It’s important to find someome who will stand by you in the good times and the bad.

God holds me up, and He is the best friend there is, so why does God send us friends? God sends us good friends so that we will turn back to Him and away from the things that distract us from what matters.

I leave you with a few verses on friendship and an explanation for each.

Proverbs 13:20 NIV He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harms.

This verse teaches us to seek friends who will allow us to grow rather than hinder us and teach us the ways of wrong. Surround yourself with friends who breed good rather than evil.

John 15:13 NIV Greater Love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

This verse is a simple as can be, a good friend is prepared to lay down their life so that another could live. Simply put, to be a good friend but them before yourself. Be careful however not go sacrafice yourself unnecessarily, there is a happy medium between selfishness and constant sacrificial behavior.

Proverbs 27:17 NIV As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another

A good friend sharpens those around them, and teachs that which is good.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 NIV Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work; If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!

We are called to pick one another up, who will pick us up if we have no friend? Much can get done with good friends, together we can lighten up this dark world.

Proverbs 15:22 NIV Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.

We should be able to have faith in Good friends that they will guide is towards correct and Godly desicions.Counsel is necessary when making descisions we must be faithful in prayer, but also seek the opinion of our like minded friends. We must be careful however to never be led astray.

I Am More

I am free from such misconceptions of those I held in the past, I see the break of day beyond my terrifying night; I finally can see exactly what is right.

My beliefs were held in question when I chose to let my passion dwindle I felt someone or something was more important but that was my brain being swindled.

I lost my self in the colors I saw and forgot who i was, I forgot my own cause.

Whether others say that I am right or wrong my soul feels contempt and sings a new sweet song.

This song is sweeter than any that I have spoken of in the past because I have passed foolishness into wisdom and this is wisdom that shall last.

I am made new once again and I’m sure it will come at least a few more Times I am defined by more than some girl, more than a chemical imbalance, and even more than these Rhymes.

Purging Passion

I often lose sleep do to the sole thought that I walk this earth alone. I have God, I have family, and I have dear friends. Despite all that I do have, my soul still longs for love, one that shatters my perception of reality and pushs me into a new joyous world I never knew existed. I long for true love, I wish for it to flow through my veins and strengthen my very bones, I have a rib lost to me somewhere sitting inside the woman to whom I owe all of my affection. I can’t seem to figure it out, so I stay awake thinking surely surely if i were to sleep now the answer would be there, I must stay awake for one more moment. I’m gambling on a lost cause, and I constantly check my phone because in the time I live in the answers are always there, If I can’t Google it, youtube it, instagram it, or Facebook it, it shouldn’t matter right? I feel lost without this love that I seek one day I will find it or it will find me, for now I let my Passionite fury die and I will try once more to sleep.

May The Earth Bare it’s Bones

I’ve come to stand in a whole new state of mind; inspiration cannot pass while a heart still yearns so if nothing else I have learned.

I have learned that I can not diminish the joy that you bring nor can I rid myself of the way my soul wants after yours; you have shaken me down to my very core.

I am the core of the earth, and you are the shifting plates at my mantel as I can’t stay still I remember how It must be handled.

To calm my very being I must poetically purge myself of these tremendous trimmers then my earth shall sit the plate’s thrust will grow dimmer.

I ponder such placement that my soul would grasp at yours though denial may sting determination cannot die; I told myself id get over it that was a lie.

I can not settle in more ways then one no person fits my standard that I’ve seen under this setting sun.

However as I first looked at you it seemed that somehow I truly knew.

So perhaps the quakes that make the ground quiver are just God shaking me grabbing a hold of my rib and shouting give it to her!

My Deepest Fear

I’m a blunt person, I genereally believe in absolute honesty and feel that i have nothing worth hiding. We are all humans, we all have our problems and flaws. No matter what we face as people each day there is nothing new under the sun, I feel that there’s no point in me keeping quiet of something I struggle with because if I do then how will i ever recieve an opportunity to help others in the same boat. Now that my introductory rambling on is fineshed with I can arrive at the true topic of discussion, my deepest fear. A few weeks or so back a friend asked me what my deepest fear was, as to others who have asked before I answered in the same manor,  bluntly and honestly,  my deepest fear is that one day my depression will win and I will simply end my own life. Do not, however take this statement the wrong way I am not nor have I ever been truly suicidal. I do have a fear though that my depression is stronger that what it lets off and that one day it will give it all it has to take me. Fears are often irrational and I dont believe this one is an acception, I don’t believe I would ever reach that point nor do I believe that even at my darkest times I would be able to ignore the presence of God in my life or the consequences that my following actions could have on my eternity. My fear is irrational and ironically keeps me strong for my fear does not always exist but instead only exists when I am lost within the dark confines of my own mind. My fear of losing to my depression only appears when a battle arises, and when that fear arrises I fight even harder. Death will not take my body until the Lord calls me Himself to everlasting life. It may be hard and at time feel lonely and hopeless but I have work to do and it starts by defeating my deepest fear every time it shows its face. There is hope and there is light that will always exist, Jesus Christ will guide my sword.

How I Fight My Battles

I need to write like i need to breathe, it is oxygen to my lungs when my depression acts as the deep vacuum of space. My writing whether it be poetry or my thoughts on matters of life makes sense to me things about myself i didnt even understand before. My poetry often allots me the words to describe that which I did not know how to explain. The emotions of turmoil, joy, helplessnes, and pure happiness all of these things fight with each other to be the subject of my thoughts. Often times in my poems one can even see the battle as it is waged when my poem starts depressing and leads to joy in the end. I firmly believe every tunnel has light at the end my writing is a way of forcing myself to the end of that tunnel. When one feels depression its strange, it grips a hold of you and wraps you up nice and warm, depression as I’ve stated before always feels familiar. The reason I bring up the familiarity of depression is this,  when one gets comfortable with depression it looks less threatening,  its tempting to let it hold you in it’s chilling grasp, to let it lead you into the deepest pits of despair. My writing forces a knife down on the wire that ties me to sadness and reminds me immidiatley of Gods love for me. My way of escaping the pain is to write but there are many other ways, find whatever allows you to hear the voice of God, whatever your blessed with,  whatever you’re talented at, that is where you will find your reprieve. The darkness cannot consume you if you radiate with light, so stay passionite my friends,  and let the Holy Spirit flow through you like blood through your veins, depression is a war that can be won.

Even the Past Must Move On

I find these old memories lost in the shadows of my mind, I didn’t think they’d be back, but now I’m under attack.

Nostalgia and dejavu all at once when i see a picture of you.

What am I to do with this information that I’ve found, that my heart still seeks you, and your voice…I am deafened by the sound.

I know not what to do with these emotions with which I’ve been struck, I can not move, I am simply stuck.

Every word i read,  every picture i see, all I feel are painful memories.

I speak not of a girl or even of a friend,  but simply the past which seems better than this present tense.

That’s the thing about the past,  you get to pick and choose what you see but much of it was costly,  not all joyful and free.

I long for the past for it held simpler times, chasing a brown eyed girl and writing simpler rhymes.

I’ve reached a point that I just long for something more, something beyond my depression, something to make my soul soar.

I look to the past, present, and future for the one thing that remained constant, Yahweh, my God I worship your presence.

So, now I look not to the past, but instead to the present for each step I take will not be woefully spent.

Nostalgia is lovely, but not to be taken fully to heart the memories I’ve made are in the past,  and each day is a new start.

Addiction’s True Face

   Addiction is a thief that creeps in the night,  it steals your soul and instills you with fright.
   Addiction is a war that never will end every single battle you start the fight again.
   Addiction steals your children, addiction steals your life, no matter the adiction it controls you… it’s leash is on tight.
   Addiction will not let go no matter what you do addiction holds on forever not just a day or two.
   So, i advise you my friends please never give in to anything addictive or it may just grab you until the end.
   I have lost my battle one hundred times over but the war still wages on, a war that with the right weapons actually can be won.
   Addiction may grip your throat and refuse to let go but I tell you I serve a God who’s sword will slice through that demons control.
    Addiction will not have me,  no not today, the fight may come back tomorrow but I will try to stay strong; I will keep on fighting though the war may be long.
   Nobody wishes to talk of addictions pains and how it clings, for everyone has felt addictions fatal sting.
   I remind you still that there certainly is hope, scripture will guide you, and prayer will help you cope.