Joy, I feel it course through me as the Holy Spirit wages war for my happiness… for my very soul. Joy is not what most people understand it to be. Joy is the last soldier on a battlefield standing against an army with no chance of survival except by the hand of God. Joy is the hope of God, the comfort that our Savior will hold us steady no matter what storm we face. Every day I face the same battles waged in my mind. I often feel like I can’t break free from my own despair. The beautiful thing about joy that most do not understand is that it is separate from happiness. Joy stays with us even when the tears flow and depression is ripping into our very souls. Joy is trusting in God, in His almighty power. Joy is everything to me, because without it I’d already be dead.

Joy is the hand that holds on as the rest of your being reaches for the release of death. Joy is what has given me a chance and allowed me to continue to fight. I have such a passion for joy because even now I am deeply saddened by state this world is in. Still, I have a hope and I trust that God will restore light to this broken world. Sometimes I don’t feel like I want to be but I am supposed to be that light. I often cannot help but flicker and sometimes in doing so I hurt others with my flame. It’s difficult and I’ts shameful when you realize you’ve hurt someone else. The reason I need God and joy is so that I can live to see another day and know that God will continue to use me despite my mistakes. I am nothing without God and so He fills me with joy. Though the battles I face are tough and I often grow too tired to face them anymore, I am lucky to have a God who restores me and stands by my side.I may lose myself but God will never forget who I am. My God keeps me and restores me all by the hand of joy.

Even There

There is no distance you can go that God will not follow, no place you can be that He will not be as well. Every mistake we make every unforgivable screw up we commit God forgives us still and He works those things for good. God pursues us and loves us endlessly. While we were STILL sinners Christ died for us. There is no place that my God can not reach. His glorious name is enough to calm my every storm. Even in my darkest places, when death had its grip around my neck God was there and He fought for my life. God’s plan for me is beyond my own merrit I am nothing and that is exactly why my God uses me. No matter where I find myself even there my God will be.

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
Psalm 139:7‭-‬12 NIV

A Girl and Her Storm

Her smile shined in a darkness that she herself had borne, she walked it around like a dark cloud before a heavy storm.
  The storm came with her tears when that lovely smile was no more, but after storms come rainbows and brighter skies; the rainbow was in her eyes.
  Her eyes changed like the seasons, her emotions deciding the fate of their colors, you could see her soul in those eyes, an ever changing beauty like no other.
  She is still learning to tame this storm, but the more she learns the feircer she becomes, a force to be reckoned with… her gaze would leave any man stunned.
  I can’t say all that she is for I’m still learning moment by moment each one I find better than the last, I don’t even seem to mind it going nowhere fast.
  Such a light within such darkness I am glad just to have as a friend, I will value her deeply until the very end.
  I believe this girl will become a storm herself, growing mightier than the ones she has faced, she will fight fire with fire as she learns the Lords embrace.
  She is destined for many great things, of that I am certainly sure, the beautiful thing to realize is that her growth will have come from this storm.


It’s hard for most to leave themselves vulnerable, to let their weakness be known. For me however, it is much harder for me to build up a wall. I wish deeply to trust others, to help them in their struggles. I certainly can’t help others if I myself pretend to be fine, how then can I expect others to be honest with me? I’ve often been weakened by the attacks waged by my own mind, and I’ve had to seek help in dealing with that. My truest help comes from God, but I owe allot to the friends who have stood by my side and my family who has constantly lifted me back up. I have not truly fallen yet, I will not do so today, and I certainly will not fall to my sorrows in the future. I don’t mean to say that I will never cry or that I will never need help, what I am saying is that I will make it through, and my testimony will be all the better for it. For all these reasons I say fine, know that I cry, know that I am willing as a grown man to let my mother hold me when I’m to weak on my own, know that I have flaws, but also know this, in my weakness my God is strong. Nothing will have a hold on me for my life already belongs to God. I have found a consistent joyous reminder in my life that no matter what I face I can always trust in my God. Alone I am nothing, with God I am the downfall of the entire kingdom of hell. I claim my life for God today and every day, let life breathe into these dry bones and let my vulnerability be my Gods strength.

The Flood I Feed

   Let the sadness sink in once more, let it all come flooding back, what a weak man I must be to fall over and over to the same attack.
   These are the things I say to myself I’m worthless, hideous, an iredimiable screw up at best; yet even still I do not let it wear on my soul, it’s nothing but another test.
   I am loved and I am free, made. beautiful in that secret place, my God keeps me and in Him alone I am truly safe.
   Let love flow once again, let the joy come flooding back, no sorrow or darkness can stand to the will of my God, that is how i survive and stand tall after each attack.

Last Night

Last night I crawled in bed with my mom and cried into her arms. Yes, you heard correctly, a 20 year old man crawled in bed with his mother and cried because he was afraid. Understand me however that these were not your every day fears, no these were not the nightmares I had as a child, these fears are all too real. Last night I was afraid of my own mind, that it would take my life, I was afraid that I was all alone, that I was empty inside,  that I would never amount to anything, that nobody could love me, care for me, I was afraid that I would never see happiness again. The fear I faced last night, the thing that made me cry, I could see my demons clawing at my soul wanting me to die, but those demons are not and never will be in control. Yes, a 20 year old man needed his mommy to protect him, because he could not protect himself. This grown man needed to be reminded that God held his life in His hands, that people cared, that people loved him, he needed to know why he was alive. The love of a mother, so pure, so wonderful a thing that God gave us. Last night I needed my mother and she was there. No matter the age I’m always her baby and somehow that’s comfort enough to know I should be alive. Last night my mother was an angel that held me in her arms, if that’s not God answering my prayer that I matter and am loved then I don’t know what is. I asked for something, and He could see in my heart it needed to be something I could physically feel and see this time. God answered my prayer 20 years before I prayed it by giving me my mom. Last night, I was a baby, and that’s ok, I wasn’t a baby because I cried, I was a baby because to my mom that’s what I am, I am her baby, and I think knowing that is one of the most precious gifts I could ever recieve. So when you’re in a dark place, whether you are 12, 20, 34, or whatever age you may be, find yourself someone like my mom, someone who never fails to remind you that they care, and that they love you with all their heart.

So, heres to all the moms, dads, grandparents, siblings, friends, and whoever else is always there when someone they love is in need. Most importantly here is to my mom, truly the most precious woman in my life, without her I am nothing, without her I’d probobly already be dead, but with her I can take on the world.

Never be afraid to let everything go, and crawl in bed with your mom, sometimes it is exactly what you need, thank you mom, I love you.


Your words should be careful, but purposefull. Words are like a sword, they can cut someones bondage, or you can end their life. Speak life today, speak words of God rather than your own.

Proverbs 18:21 “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.”

What makes a good friend, what qualities should they have? Courage when fear is the logical expression, loyalty when the world comes against you, love when you can’t even love yourself, and one who will carry you when you are too weak to stand.

What makes a good friend? A good friend is someone who will stand up against you if your ideas are ill advised, who will stop you from hurting yourself even at the cost of friendship itself. A friend is a sister or a brother, whom you hand pick to stay by your side, these people are to be cherished for they would lay down their own life.

A good friend is a 3 am phone call when they have work at 7 because you just can’t find the will to live and you need someone to tell you that you matter. A good friend is the person that forces you to eat 20 chicken nuggets when you haven’t eaten for a week because that girl broke you in half. A good friend is always there, even when they aren’t. They are there in the back of your head, they send you encouraging and funny texts, and they talk to you when they can.

Good friends are often busy, but that doesn’t make them any less of a friend, life is tough, and adulthood is a troubling journey. It’s important to find someome who will stand by you in the good times and the bad.

God holds me up, and He is the best friend there is, so why does God send us friends? God sends us good friends so that we will turn back to Him and away from the things that distract us from what matters.

I leave you with a few verses on friendship and an explanation for each.

Proverbs 13:20 NIV He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harms.

This verse teaches us to seek friends who will allow us to grow rather than hinder us and teach us the ways of wrong. Surround yourself with friends who breed good rather than evil.

John 15:13 NIV Greater Love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

This verse is a simple as can be, a good friend is prepared to lay down their life so that another could live. Simply put, to be a good friend but them before yourself. Be careful however not go sacrafice yourself unnecessarily, there is a happy medium between selfishness and constant sacrificial behavior.

Proverbs 27:17 NIV As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another

A good friend sharpens those around them, and teachs that which is good.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 NIV Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work; If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!

We are called to pick one another up, who will pick us up if we have no friend? Much can get done with good friends, together we can lighten up this dark world.

Proverbs 15:22 NIV Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.

We should be able to have faith in Good friends that they will guide is towards correct and Godly desicions.Counsel is necessary when making descisions we must be faithful in prayer, but also seek the opinion of our like minded friends. We must be careful however to never be led astray.

I Am More

I am free from such misconceptions of those I held in the past, I see the break of day beyond my terrifying night; I finally can see exactly what is right.

My beliefs were held in question when I chose to let my passion dwindle I felt someone or something was more important but that was my brain being swindled.

I lost my self in the colors I saw and forgot who i was, I forgot my own cause.

Whether others say that I am right or wrong my soul feels contempt and sings a new sweet song.

This song is sweeter than any that I have spoken of in the past because I have passed foolishness into wisdom and this is wisdom that shall last.

I am made new once again and I’m sure it will come at least a few more Times I am defined by more than some girl, more than a chemical imbalance, and even more than these Rhymes.

Purging Passion

I often lose sleep do to the sole thought that I walk this earth alone. I have God, I have family, and I have dear friends. Despite all that I do have, my soul still longs for love, one that shatters my perception of reality and pushs me into a new joyous world I never knew existed. I long for true love, I wish for it to flow through my veins and strengthen my very bones, I have a rib lost to me somewhere sitting inside the woman to whom I owe all of my affection. I can’t seem to figure it out, so I stay awake thinking surely surely if i were to sleep now the answer would be there, I must stay awake for one more moment. I’m gambling on a lost cause, and I constantly check my phone because in the time I live in the answers are always there, If I can’t Google it, youtube it, instagram it, or Facebook it, it shouldn’t matter right? I feel lost without this love that I seek one day I will find it or it will find me, for now I let my Passionite fury die and I will try once more to sleep.